It’s easy for me to give God things my heart doesn’t really care about.
The hard part is handing over things I believe my heart can’t live without. That’s the true measure of faithfulness. It’s not easy, but it’s one more step towards God trusting me with His ultimate gifts. With His good stuff.
I’m selfish.
But what I’m finding is, what I want doesn’t always matter. It doesn’t matter, because of the reason for why I want it. Take being in love. Sure, I want to be in love—but, my reasons for why I want it are either selfish, or me not being ready to take on the weight of another person’s heart. God knows this. God tells me this, and I really don’t listen. I mean, I listen, but I don’t want to hear what He’s saying. I think I can do it on my own. But my insight will always be under matched by God’s foresight.
God knows what’s going on…
God knows where everyone’s heart is, and what true happiness will mean to me. Where I see something I want, God sees everything I need. It’s like fighting with parents when I know they’re right the whole time. So I just argue to feel a moment of liberating freedom. But in the end, they’re right. And sometimes, that’s the worst feeling.
I believe God gives slowly, but only because our hearts mature slowly. There is a reason the marriages that work out started with a friendship that grew into love. Falling into anything, like love, isn’t good simply because you can fall out of it just as easily. When I have no solidarity, I’m left making big decisions on fleeting emotions. There’s an art form to love.
I want that “When Harry Met Sally” kind of love.
Love works through the eyes of sacrifice. And doing battle with God is not displaying that kind of love. For me, it creates confusion in my own life. A chaotic clouding of what’s right and what I’m actually supposed to be doing with myself. Essentially it is me fighting with the hand that is protecting me; as if suddenly God drops me off at the train station and I say, “That’s good. I’ll take it from here, thanks!” No.
God is not a God who abandons. He didn’t create the world to just throw two in the air and say, “Okay, see if you can do better. Deuces!” I don’t think God Chris Browned his way out of humanity…
He longs for a deep relationship with me, as any good Father would. His love is beyond comprehension. So really, when I do battle with God, I’m not actually fighting with Him, but rather I am fighting against the insecurities in myself. Hate fighting against love is as unfair as darkness battling with the moon. Hate only wins until the light shows up.
His grace is always more than my biggest abandonment.
God loves me for me. When I do battle against God, it is not His force that overpowers me—it is His love. And for that, I will always bow before His greatness.
-Jason O’Toole
(Source: memoir.jasonotoole.com)
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