Somewhere in the passed few years I’ve made the self-determination that unless I’m going through hurt, or in the middle of a deep trial—I am actually worthy of the Kingdom. I even felt it on weeks I was “doing really well”—not losing any big battles to flesh or weakness. But some days the scoreboard just reads in favor of hurt.
True humility comes in the recognition that we are never worthy.
The truth is, I am never worthy. Not when I’m winning a battle or losing one. Because I have already fallen, the opportunity for greatness is just a plausible as the accessibility for weakness.
I can tell this mindset has been affecting me, when after something I did that may have constituted as “the wrong thing” in my head, I held that weight over my head for days. Even after asking God for forgiveness—still the guilt presses on me for days until I slowly felt I’ve “redeemed” myself enough to move back to even. I remember God actually speaking to me once saying, “Even though I’ve forgiven you now, still you will hold this over your head for a few days.” A sad truth, and wrong mentality to approach in the idea of grace and humility.
Recently, humility has been something my heart has felt guided to explore. So, this revelation on being worthy is pretty crucial to even begin recognizing real humility. But there is such a peace; a fresh breath to take in after knowing that worthiness is not circumstantial, but rather only a thing poured out by the blood of Christ. A pinnacle for Christian lifestyle, but such a difficult thing to understand… because I want to be great. I want to. I like proving that I’m worthy of the Kingdom, and that through battling and be such a “great person,” I’ve earned the titles I now own in this life. Because what does Ecclesiastes really know? What has Solomon really survived, and how could he write about the life I’ve lived through?
Grace is a gift so openly given, that the pride in me often discounts it as being unnecessary. I pictured myself wearing a crown of jewels, when the real king wore a crown of thorns.
As if I can really do it without grace. “God will exalt the humble, and humble the exalted.” I am nothing without grace. Not when it’s good; not when it’s bad.
I pray that this stays embedded in me; and how this life is genuinely about my relationship with my worthy Savior.
-Jason O’Toole
(Source: memoir.jasonotoole.com)
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