I can’t help but picture my life in portraits.
Little movie scenes showing glimpses of the man I have been, the man I am, and the man I will be. These flashes of a moment happen in my head all the time. It’s often too fast to even notice; as sometimes they go undetected throughout the day. I try hold on to them long enough to jot something down, but it’s never a clear picture. They are like little dreams with vignette effects around them. Little tiny sparks of time periods I try capturing on paper before they float away and become afterthoughts of my mornings:
University Jason
The Jason of four years ago. Fresh, young college student. No real concept of life outside the walls of an institution. I feel free to dream, because I’m living on the dime my parents could so graciously afford. Everything is still in theory. No big life victories or defeats. It’s the moment in life where possibility is all I know, and hope is life.
Struggling To Get By Jason
Present day. A life of roommates, rent, undesirable but affordable clothing. I am fixated on my dreams and desires. I look at myself and think of where my life will be, not necessarily where my life currently has me. I neglect moments and cherishing them; which I openly admit is something I will regret later in life. I’m thirsty for success. I need to feel progression! Even Saturday afternoons spent cuddling on a couch and movie-marathoning makes me unsettled, because in my mind there’s always a sense of “you know you could being doing _________________ , right?” I’m happy, but far from content. Life is close to something great, but far enough away for me to never feel relaxed in it. Pressure cooker.
Dinner Party Jason
I picture 30-something Jason. Married, career blooming. I have real estate agents on speed dial trying to find that dream home to start the “rest of my life” in. It feels more settling, because I know this Jason will be more in tuned with who he is and what he wants in life. He works hard, but he is also seeing the fruits of his labor. I picture this Jason with healthy addictions to traveling with my wife, and learning of more cultural capital. This Jason is the one I’d like to meet right now, and share an espresso and stories with.
Uncle Jason
I put myself around 41. I get phone calls from nieces and nephews. At this point I am well established in my career. I have a child or two. I have a nice house. Something atypical of the Ohio home I grew up in. Something chic and artistic, but still homebody enough to feel well-adjusted. I’m everything a 40-something writer and music artist dreams of becoming. This Jason is patient, and more at peace with the life he has lived. This Jason is the one that often whispers to younger Jason’s, “don’t worry; it all works out just fine.” He is a good man, loyal husband, and devoted father.
The details vary a bit from age to age, but it is my best attempt at capturing what little prophetic captions of dream up for myself. I know regardless of whether any of this is true; I am a good man leading a noble life. It may end very different for me, but I can hang my hat in knowing that I lived a life of purpose and one that took on very different meanings throughout these different ages! Peace and love.
-Jason O’Toole
(Source: memoir.jasonotoole.com)
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