4. I Did Battle With God
It’s easy for me to give God things my heart doesn’t really care about.
The hard part is handing over things I believe my heart can’t live without. That’s the true measure of faithfulness. It’s not easy, but it’s one more step towards God trusting me with His ultimate gifts. With His good stuff.
But what I’m finding is, what I want doesn’t always matter. It doesn’t matter, because of the reason for why I want it. Take being in love. Sure, I want to be in love—but, my reasons for why I want it are either selfish, or me not being ready to take on the weight of another person’s heart. God knows this. God tells me this, and I really don’t listen. I mean, I listen, but I don’t want to hear what He’s saying. I think I can do it on my own. But my insight will always be under matched by God’s foresight.
God knows what’s going on…
8. My Purpose Began To Make Sense
One day in preschool I got in trouble.
In fact, the teacher felt it was necessary to call in my mother after school, so that she could explain exactly why I was being punished. So, she sits my mom down and says, “Your son hugs people too much.” My mom, waiting for the actual reason I was in trouble, gives a long response of “okay,” then waits for the rest to come out. The teacher goes on to tell my mom that everyone that comes through the door I hug. And at lunchtime if people leave for an extended period of time, I would hug them when they came back into the room. Oh, and apparently after naptime too.
My mother laughed out of what I believe was pure pride for a mother to have for a son. My mom then asked, “what’s wrong with that?” And then took me home. I remember her telling me how she bought me ice cream afterwards—as a reward.
I knew who I was at a young age. Everyone does, actually. I think we all act out of instinct and emotion when we’re young, and the only thing that changes when we’re older is that we now work through this “filter.” Some imaginary filter put in place that tells us things like, “Don’t do that! People will talk,” or even “No one else is dressed this way; why are you?” Little filters that make me stop and check my pride—so as not to tarnish it.
It Was All About Me
“With almost 7 billion people in the world, maybe that’s proof it isn’t about me?”
I am selfish.
I can prove my selfishness, because if I were to tally all the thoughts I had in yesterday alone, the column labeled “JASON” would heavily outweigh the column “EVERYBODY ELSE.”
Thinking of others is great in theory, but so much harder to do when the calendar page turns, and there’s a new month of rent checks and Comcast bills. For me, being the ambitious twenty-something seeking the perfect “career,” “house,” “wife,” I get lost often in the translation of God’s will and my own subtle agendas.